A Lost Dream
by kingle21
Summary: Mary has been hiding a secret. Since her wedding day she has been unable to provide what everyone around her is desperate, an heir. This takes a toll on her mental health, but when she discovers her new condition shes ecstatic. Will all her problems melt away? Will she regain her health under the glow of new life. Or will we see that under all her strength she will crumble.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: Hello, just wanted to say this is my first fanfiction and I'm super nervous to be posting this. I would greatly appreciate some feed back on my very first writing (constructive only please). I really hope you enjoy, let me know if I should continue.**

**A Lost Dream**

**Mary's POV**

I sat on the end of my bed staring out of the abbey at the sun lit grounds. It was bathed in blissful afternoon heat and all the occupants of the house where milling around the space that would be used to hold their annual cricket match. All sporting there white outfits, the men where all running around, warming up, or else hoping to catch the eye of the assortment of woman fanning themselves under the gazebo. As I further inspected the thong of people, my beloved husband's bright and charismatic smile shone around the group. He had been unable to hide his unadulterated pleasure at the thought of becoming a father for the first time. It had been only a week ago that Mathew had come home in the middle of the day to find me on the floor of our bathroom, my head of a basin depositing the contents of my stomach in a very unladylike fashion. He had of course rushed to my aid lifting me into his arms and carrying me to the bedroom before setting me down. A very concerned Anna had been present and quickly ran to fetch Carson to call doctor Clarkson at Mathew's insistence. He sat there waiting patiently stroking my hair in a soothing manner, trying to stop my reassurances that it was probably nothing, after Lavinia's early death he was extremely vigilante of anything concerning my health.

A little while later, the good doctor appeared and proceeded to enquire as to my symptoms. After feeling my stomach he had pronounced me to be… with child and for the first time in months I was happy.

Now 3 weeks on it felt as though we were living in a bubble, shut off from the world and all its cruelty's, it took us back to simpler times when you feel as if nothing can touch you. I continued mesmerised by the magnitude of life just outside the window. In the back of my mind I heard someone calling to me as if from a distance.

"Lady Mary are you quite well?" Anna said to a slightly raised voice.

Pulled back to the present I turned around to reply to my concerned maid and friend.

"Yes of course I am, I must be going down I don't want to miss the match, and what my husband assures will be a winning performance" I said with a hint of mirth in my voice.

Anna replied, "Yes I must go and see Mr Bates, I promised I'd help keep score milady"

With that the women departed, through the houses, many long and strung out corridors and onto the lush green lawns. The heat was sweltering but not unexpected, I batted my fan franticly in an effort of keep me and baby Crawly cool in the afternoon haze. I took a vacant seat next to Sybil and after exchanging pleasantries fixing my eyes forward. The match began shortly after, with the leading side to be the villages that providing, not only and away team but also a decent amount of healthy competition. Mathew try as he might was unable to get Tom the local bar man out, his frustration shown of his red and flustered face. After about 30 minutes play, the men downed their bats to enjoy that iced tea and cakes topped with pink and white icing cooked diligently by Mrs Patmore and Daisy.

As my beloved approached my seat, he bent down to kiss me slowly and passionately, it lasted only a minute but it gave me a sense that a performance of my wifely duties where on the cards tonight, not that I minded in the slightest!

"Darling I do believe you're getting slaughtered out their" I smiled good-heartedly at my husband.

"Yes we rather are, anyway I hope this finishes soon I'd hoped to be spending some time with you before my trip to Manchester."

"Well don't worry too much, I'll be sure to rectify the situation later on" I winked, looking somewhat furtively around to check no one had heard our discussion.

At that moment mother turned to Mathew and instantly started quizzing him on his trip away. Being his usual charming self, he replied diligently that he was set to leave in the morning, but already the notion upset me; I hated being separated from the only man I had loved and now father to my unborn child. But there was nothing to be done about it; business was business I would just have to weather the upheaval.

* * *

**2 Months Pervious**

**Dinner was as always a troublesome affair. More so recently than at any other time. The whole house had been tip toing around me for the past few months. And it was beginning to make my time living in my childhood home almost unbearable. Mathew and I had been married for a little over a year and yet I still wasn't pregnant. Not so much as a false alarm at any point to keep everyone's expectance of an air at bay. Despite the family's seemly calm persona, the hints and tips being branded around where starting to make my skin crawl. Why isn't she pregnant? That seemed to be the comment that circled the house in a whirl wind.**

**So as the weeks drew on I became more and more anxious. My new marriage was becoming strained as I tried to keep Mathew from scencing my misery. I felt as if a cloud over showed my every waking moment. An having a new baby under the same roof as me was doing nothing to jostle me from my stupor. As the months went on my current mind-set was detraining fast. Just doing my normal routine of endless dinners and being a dutiful wife was hard to continue. I had never felt quite so alone in my life and although Mathew tried to reach out to me it was all to no avail. **

**It was one day the following week that I heard my husband in the drawing room talking to Dr Clarkson in hushed tones. **

**"I just don't know what I'm doing wrong, what I should do about it, it's all slipping away from me" Mathew said in whispered shouts. **

**"Mr Crawly I can assure that there's no way you could have seen this coming…"**

**I stood there outside the door like the perfect ease dropper. Praying to god that none of the servants should walk past and see me. I knew I was acting like a child but a small part inside of me longed to hear what was going on. Hearing Mathew say those words crushed me. Did that mean he didn't want me? I guess he's right I was a poor representation of the wife I was supposed to be. And with tears pouring down my face I ran up the stairs and into the sanctity of our room.**

**Third person POV**

**Mathew eyes flitted to the door as he heard a small rustling noise. After a moment of silence he turned back to the good doctor.**

**"I just don't know how to help her" Mathew said.**

**"My beautiful wife is slipping further and further away from me, I'll have to try and help her!" **

**Dr Clarkson looked on longingly, he must have realised Mathews despair. **

**"I'm afraid she's what we would called clinically depressed" "All you can do is love her, show her that she means the world to you."**

* * *

I sank down onto the chair that occupied the corner of the dressing room space and waited for Anna to appear, and begin to undress me for bed. When she didn't materialise after several minutes I became rather anxious to join my husband in our room. I came to the conclusion that waiting any longer wasn't an option, that just for tonight I could do it myself. Slipping out of my dress I neatly folded it, placing it on the back of the chair. Typically it being made from a silky material it fell to the floor. Rolling my eyes at it, I bent down to pick it up.

I walked into the room and perched as if effortlessly on the side corner of the bed. There he was sat in the centre of the bed naked by the look of things, with only the many blankets adorning it covering his modesty. Mathew placed his book down and surveyed me in my new night gown I had purchased in Rippon only the week prior. He moved closer towards me fixing his lips to mine as he gave me a sensual peck. His mouth continued to tail kisses down my throat and tantalizingly across the tops of my breasts that peeked from under my clothing.

"God Mary… you look so beautiful" he whispered huskily.

He had already set my heat racing; it had been all day with him running in his sports clothes and now he was devouring me as if he was a starving man. I had been put on edge since this morning; we had missed out on our usual morning love making. Anna came in to get us up earlier than expected, she informed Mathew that Bates was waiting next door, ready to talk him through the clothes he would be required to take to London and that was the end of our morning bliss.

Now my mind was on spending some quality with my husband. The heat in my core was pooling, driving me even crazier with desire for him. He put his hands on my hips and pulled me down the bed. Climbing on top of me, the blanket fell allowing me to put my hands on this muscled chest. He felt wonderful under me with all his soft fine hair running from his belly button to the slender waist that hovered above me. Being very careful not to squash where baby Crawley was undoubtedly resting, he continued to lavish me with affection. Moving his lips away from mine he started kissing that spot behind my ear that always made me feverish with want for him. I started moaning softly, moving my hands up his back allowing him leverage to take my ear lobe into his mouth, sucking and biting softly, leading to what I was hoping would be a night that would help quench my hunger for his body.

"Mathew darling that feels incredible, don't stop!" I called out.

"I don't intend to, sweet girl I want to hear you cry out my name" His eyes twinkled with promise as he remarked… and he was never a man to go back on his word.

With only the sound of our desperate panting around us, I decided that I was wearing entirely too many clothes. I thought to tease my husband who at this point was becoming more and more frustrated with not already getting to be inside me. At this point the apex of my thighs where slick with arousal and ready to take my poor husbands engorged member within. He whined slightly when I broke from our fevered kiss to reach the edge of night gown and pull it over my head. He looked at me with longing but I had other ideas for the evening. Switching places with him so that I now resided on top; I wanted my husband to feel my love for him. I went down on him as I wanted him for once to get his pleasure first. Mathew had always been a considerate lover right for our wedding night, always getting me to my peak before searching out his own. Well just for tonight I was in the mood to turn the tables on him…

I went to dip in the V-bone that sculpted the lower parts of his beautiful torso. Sucking the skin into my mouth and kissing along to base of his manhood. He was clearly pleased to see me, swelled hugely and with purple veins running the length. I bent my head down to place a kiss on the tip of his penis.

"Mary!" He flinched with the pleasure of it. Both demanding that I do more while letting me take the reins.

"Look darling" I said bringing my hands to his balls filled with pre cum "There so heavy baby…" I cupped them looking towards my man "are they sore?" I asked sweetly my voice dripping with arousal.

"No Mary…ugh, please…please I need you!"

I wanted more than anything, to indulge him in his more base desires of the human body ,but alas I wanted him be desperate and writhing for any pleasure that was besotted upon him. To taunt him further, I sat between his knees and groin, reaching down to simulate my own body that was now calling to have some pressure applied to it.

"Oh god Mary, you are driving me crazy you look like an angel, please sweetheart…"

Reaching down I played with my nipples, flicking them until they peaked into little pink buds. It felt so good, the pleasure was almost overwhelming but I held on wanting my first rush to be with both are body's entwined together. I let my hand trail slowly over my slightly rounded stomach down to my dripping lips. Using my hand I rubbed my clit, moaning shamelessly and coating it with my essence at the same time. Feeling my way back to his swollen member I placed my slippery hand on him stroking from root to tip. His eyes that had been following me faithfully for the past few minutes rolled to the back of his head. The noises and grunts that surfaced from his plush lips would make many of the women I called friends blush profusely, but I was used to it. Mathew had always had a soft and poetic voice when conversing with me. Never raising his voice even when in our younger days, I had treated him with such unspeakable callous. Thank goodness he had managed to see through the tough exterior to the woman I already was. But whenever we were together in the sanctuary of our room, such words that came out of his mouth turned me on like nothing else.

"If you carry on like that I'm afraid I can't hold on much longer" he let out trying and failing to get control of his breathing.

"Oh darling you have been such a good boy" I continued to stroke him seductively. "you have been so patient," I continued to kiss his neck, "and now you will get your reward."

"Yes" He spoke triumphantly, probably thanking god he had been giving a reprieve from my taunting. Perhaps by some higher power.

Rolling me onto my back, I pushed my legs into his back showing him it was okay to proceed, that I needed him just as much as he did.

"Agggah!" I cried out as he pushed into my sopping wet depths. I had to bit my bottom lip to keep from screaming and waking up the whole house. If felt to wonderful for words, and I gripped myself closer to him so as to prolong both are pleasure. It took us merely seconds to realize that this would not be enough to tip me over the end of madness and it to the blissful feeling that accompanied the after effects of our love making. I needed more, more of this feeling to get me to a place of no return.

"Please Mathew; I need it harder, deeper, please…"

Suddenly he stopped the faster pace that he always adopted when in the thrones of passion. This made my fevered mind more and more disgruntled in my haze. Bucking my hips madly. Leaning down he started kissing my stomach putting his cheek onto my usually pale skin, now flushed with a light pink tinge.

"Mary no sweet girl you know I can't go harder, I don't want to hurt our precious baby." I moaned in anguish at his words needing to let him know that I wanted way more than he was willing to offer me. I knew he was worried about harming the baby from the very first day we had found out about our upcoming bundle of joy, he had treated me as if I was nothing more than plate glass. Never letting me walk up the stairs without an escort and making sure I had double helpings of every food set out before us at meal times. This had for the first time in my life it made me put on weight. Never before had I put on an ounce for anything, always being blessed with a rather trim physique.

"It won't hurt the baby, please I want you, god I can't wait…"

Hearing me beg to him must have intensified Mathews drive insanely. As at my request he tipped my hips so that he hit that delicious spot inside me each time. As the invisible peck in my brain was conjured up I tried desperately to move faster and harder into my husband's frantic body. I hit the mark and all but saw stars as my brain untangled from its mist. Mathew kept going bucking into me, trying to find his realise. He cried out loudly, even having to bite down on my neck just to muffle the noise. All my energy that I had been harbouring was now sucked from my body. Mathew pulled out gently as he knew I was always a bit tender after our couplings. He moved me without the use of words or directions into a place when he could spoon my body effortlessly. I was very grateful, my legs felt like jelly and my mind felt sated. And with that we both drifted off to sleep, a peaceful night that would be one of the last, I knew we would spent together, at least for a while.

* * *

The moonlight came streaming in through the cracks in the curtains that framed the broad bay windows. With my eyes still closed I tried to assess, minus a big part of my brain functioning due to my sleep induced haze, what had occurred to wake me up in the middle of the night. That was when I felt the churning aching pain that had seemingly rooted its self to the core of my stomach. I was so scared all I could think about was my precious baby. At that moment I felt a sharp pain rip through my midriff and lower back. Barely able to breath from the waves of agony ripping throughout me. I fought to keep from crying out in anguish. After about 30 seconds of frantic breathing I could no longer be silent.

Moaning in pain, clutching at the lower half of my abdomen I tried to keep Mathew from hearing. This was his last night at home, and I was not in any going to put him off this trip he had been planning for the last month. We had such a blissful evening that he didn't deserve to worry about his wife's condition, especially when it was probably nothing of concern. Still despite that in the situation it was hard pressed to know what to. Tell him how much I hurt or keep quiet and try to face the pain. Hoping when he finally left I could try sort out seeing doctor Clarkson to tell me if there was indeed anything wrong. That is of course without letting my family or too many of the servants know as information at Downton often circulated at with great haste. Perhaps I could confide in Carson to help me.

I turned facing away from him I pushed myself to the edge of the bed. I guess this was unusual for him as we often where in a spooned position while sleeping. It must have peeked his interest and his silky voice reached me from the other side of the bed

"Mary darling are you okay? I heard some noises you sound in pain?"

"No!" I called out possibly a little too weakly to be a truthful answer, and I knew he sensed that. "I'm just a little hot"

"Okay, well try to get some more sleep before days break Mrs Crawley" He said as if to reassure himself.

Praying he had drifted of back to sleep, I tried to think how I should deal with this pain. I knew something wasn't right, was this the same way mother had felt before our baby brother died. I may have only found out about this baby fairly recently but I already loved it with all my heart, it was a representation of mine and Mathews devotion to one another.

It was at that moment realised that my bottom half felt rather cold under the thin blankets. I gathered them up and made as if to move out of bed and to the door that divided my dressing room and are bedroom. My middle still felt as though glass was being thrust through it, I needed to try standing, while hiding my intense discomfort from the man I loved. That's when I saw it the crisp white bed linen was doused in a crimson layer. I could barely look at it. I may not have a great deal of knowledge as to how raising children and how childbirth occurred but I knew this level of blood loss was never a positive sign for both mother and child. I had no other choice there was no way I could so much as get out of bed let alone walk to the hospital late at night.

Hating myself for the shock I was about to bestow Mathew with I lent with difficulty over to his side of the bed.

"Mathew… you need to wake up" Words that came out of my mouth seemed not to come from my own body. My character was born from a strong sense that to show weakness was not something to parade around but a stain on your soul. But I was in so much pain, keeping it up was no longer an option.

"Mathew…please wake up!" my eyes where now filling with tears as the pain did not ease in the slightest. I tried to turn my body round to rouse him but ended doubling over from the dizziness that flooded me.

"What's the matter darling?" He asked turning over. At the sight of the blood now covering me and the surrounding area he froze, looking as if he'd been shot by some unknown source.

"Mmmathew… I'm so sorry, god it hurts, it hurts so badly…please make it stop" I howled at him.

He jumped as if the haze had just lifted. "I'll get help darling just stay lying down". Throwing the sheets back roughly he ran to the wood panelled door grasping the brass handle and flew into the deserted corridor.

I heard him going from door to door shouting for anyone to help me that I was bleeding and in need of a doctor. I kept crying made all the more like a waterfall when he mentioned to Carson who must have come from downstairs very quickly that the baby might be in trouble. Although it felt like hours had gone by I'm sure it was no time at all. But being alone and covered in my own blood that continued to poor from me spreading out in a deep red circle had a way of messing with your head...


	2. Chapter 2

**Authers Note: Hey, so this is only my second post and already im dealing with some very upsetting story lines, please read with caution I would hate to upset anyone. Im hoping my spelling will have improved with this chapter :) Reveiws make my day so please dont forget to! I love getting constructive criticism and pointers on my writing would be greatly appreciated.**

**A Lost Dream**

**Chapter 2**

**Mary's POV**

Oh god this cannot be happening. Why did I deserve this? For my sweet baby to be snatched from me before I had a chance to really give it a taste of life. Maybe I deserved it? After all I had done nothing but fail my family and husband right from my wedding day. And Mathew, the love of my life didn't deserve to end up with such a poor representation of a wife. Despite my efforts to be all everyone wanted me to be, I never could be enough. Perhaps if I was allowed to get a job it would give me something to do, but in my world a women's place was in the home especially if you were married. I always despised my younger sisters for having more freedom that was just never within grasp for me. But look at them now Sibyl with a baby and a husband who despite their differences in class would love her forever. If only I could be so lucky as to have a life like that. If only I could have gotten pregnant as easily as she had.

As I lie on the cold damp sheets thinking of all I had lost, I realized the pain in my stomach was getting slowly better. Thank god I don't think I could stand a minute longer with the sensations of being punched repeatedly in my abdomen. It now felt as though a block of ice was perched on my lower half making me sleeper and sleeper. I wanted to try and fight it but my mind was in such a defeated stage I really had very little drive left in me. Maybe I should just get some rest if I could find the strength to deal with this heartache that left my head splitting.

At that precise moment, my mother came in the room, not bothering with English pleasantries such as knocking, surveyed the scene.

"Oh my darling Mary…" She uttered and after taking a look at the state I was in rushed over to try and be of some comfort. I could see her worry for me and the baby bubbling at the edge of her subconscious. I think she sensed what I feared most could be happening. Having lost a baby boy only a little over a year before, the signs where there. She had this kind of defeated look about her, that's there was nothing to say or nothing to do in order to make the loss hurt any less.

"Come on let's get you out of those wet clothes" Mother tried to get me to relax in that mock cheery tone that she had sure to have being using on us since our birth.

For some strange and unknown reason all the house had gone silent. I could no longer here Mathew outside raising hell in an attempt to get answers from some of the female members of our family, I just only wish that they gave him the kind of information and comfort he was looking for. I wish they would tell him what I repeatedly heard in my head…that I was no good to him. He should find someone that could make him happy and provide an heir for the family dynasty. He didn't deserve to be stuck with a wife who mopped around the house and fell into such a pit of gloom it seemed as if she could never make the leap out. The past few months I had been stuck in this tidal wave of grief for the life I could have been living. And now I was scared I could be heading straight back to that bleak existence.

As my mother decided to make a move cleaning me up I continued sobbing like some sort of wounded animal. Without even my noticing she had slipped my night gown from me, leaving merely the blooded sheets sicking to my thighs. Normally to be stark naked in front of her would have made me extremely uncomfortable, after all I was a grown women and married at that, I didn't needed her all over me like the little girl I knew she still saw me as.

Turning me over so that I no longer lay on my side she gasped for the second time that evening about the state of my blood streaked legs. Walking over to Mathew's side of the bed she rang the bell. I hoped to god it would be Anna they sent to aid me. I could hardly stand the shame of the servants finding out about the condition that had befallen me. In next to know time a soft knock came from the door and Anna crept inside.

Although me and Anna had always had a more sister like relationship than that of a mistress and her maid, I wasn't quite ready to let her see me so hurt and degraded. Pulling one of the thicker blankets that had got tangled at my feet over me, I layered there numbly staring at the opposite wall.

I could hear mutterings from the other side of the room. No doubt mother was asking for help in bathing me, after all wasn't that all most could do in a case like this. I listened for a few minutes, before my eyes began to droop, my bottom half felt warm and soothing now apart from the sharp twinges that followed through my hips and up to my belly button. Maybe I should just try to get some sleep; the world hurt me way too much to deal with its unpleasentries right now.

As my eyes began to flicker closed I felt someone at my side shaking me.

"Mary darling you must stay awake for me, Doctor Clarkson is coming now" Mother said with a hint of fear in her voice.

I had no idea why she was getting so upset I was just so tied, I'm sure having a sleep would make me feel better, it would make it seem like a nothing other than a bad dream.

* * *

**Cora's POV**

As I slept, curled into Roberts's front the most serine dream had been playing out in my head. Of my girls and me all playing the nursery as if it was only yesterday. Now I know I was dreaming, my girls where all grown up and starting families of their own. Especially Mary, my stubborn and frightfully mercifully at times, older daughter had grown into the kind of young women I am very proud of. If only she could see the strength of the love that surrounded her. But over the last few months we had all seem the heartache and turmoil that had left her not even turning up to dinners but hiding away in her room. What is it with the English frivolity? Couldn't everyone just say what they felt and mean it?

Trying to get back to sleep I snuggled closer to Robert trying to make myself more comfortable. BANG, BANG, BANG! I was suddenly startled by someone hammering furiously on the door. Shocked to be disturbed by such behaviour at this time of night, I clambered out of bed and opened the door to see what all the commotion was about.

Nothing in my wildest dreams would have prepared me for what awaited. Mathew in a robe tied obviously in haste, a stricken look covering his face.

"Cousin Mathew whatever's the matter?" he looked like a desperate man I hadn't seem him look in such distress since the day he came back from the war not knowing if he would be able to walk again. So naturally I was anxious to know what had upset his normally calm demeanour.

"Come quickly, It's Mary, I just woke up and she's bleeding, I think it's the baby" his voice shook even as he told me. Obviously scared for his wife and unborn baby knowing only too well the danger both where in.

Grabbing my dressing gown from the hook behind the door, I followed Mathew into the deserted corridor. Trying to devise a plan in my head, I needed to find a way to help my daughter but at the same time keep Mathew away. He didn't need to see anything concerning the vastly more unpleasant things that came with being a woman.

"Mathew darling, I must go and check on Mary, why don't you wake Robert and go downstairs" I said stammered out quickly hoping he wouldn't argue with my request… unfortunately that wasn't the case.

"No I need to go back to Mary, she needs me!" He tried to step around me desperate to see his wife.

"Mathew, you know this is women's business, Mary needs a doctor and plenty of rest" I tried to reassure.

Although this back and forth felt as if it had been going on forever when in fact it was only about a minute. Or so I could tell from the old grandfather clock that stood at the end of the hall.

He looked as if he was trying to argue again but it was at that moment Robert arrived.

"Come on Mathew, Clarkson and Cora will see to Mary, she will be just fine…"

Or so everyone hoped.

* * *

**Cora's POV**

But I knew this sort of experience would haunt Mary for a long time to come. There was never anything worse than losing a child. And it would be all the more grievous for Marry. She had no children, nothing to distract her from the gloom that would encompass her at such a loss. But this time I would do everything to make her get well again both in mind and body. She deserved so much better than what life had thrown at her.

But my usually calm demeanour was shrinking fast. Mary was losing blood at a rapid rate. And I needed the doctor to come as fast as possible. But I had to do something; I would never forgive myself if something happened to my baby. Signalling Anna with my eyes she had brought up a stack of fresh towels with her from the bathroom that adjoined the adjacent room. Moving away from Mary who at this point had a pale pallor about her, I needed to speak to the maid.

"Anna we need to get her washed before the doctor gets here, he will need to take a look at her sees bleeding far too much for my liking."

"Of course, I'll go and run the water" she replied, obviously very concerned.

* * *

**Mathew's POV**

I had been sat in drawing for just under 20 minutes. And no one was saying anything. I felt terrible, my poor wife who I had sworn on my wedding day to protect from all hurt and suffering was at the moment losing the only thing that had brought her any comfort in as many months. And the more terrible part was that it's my entire fault. I hadn't anticipated the one thing that was most of a threat to my angel…me.

If I hadn't been so ruff with her during own love making this evening then my beautiful wife would never have woke up wining helplessly in pain. And now because of my stupidity I would never get to see my baby grow up, I was too selfish for my own good. I had said to Mary after Lavinia had died that are relationship was cursed. And now it was all coming to the surface.

Maybe I should leave, it would be better for everyone if I did. I could leave Mary and although it would crush my sole to be away from the girl I loved so deeply, I couldn't let her live out her life with a man that had caused her so much grief.

And instead of standing up to Cora I let Robert lead me away from my wife like a small child, when she needed me the most. And she looked so broken, but instead of fighting for her I just left her lying there.

It was at that moment I decided enough was enough, I needed to see her. I hoped to god she would be okay, after all Clarkson should have arrived by now.

I must have rather shocked Robert as I stood abruptly from the chintz arm chair I was occupying.

"Mathew, where are your going, I'm sure one of the girls will come and get you when she's ready to see visitors" He replied.

He might have been the sort of man to sit by and receive vague information about his loved ones health, but I was not. I knew he was rather affronted by anything to do with the female anatomy. I'm very surprised he had any children at all.

Ignoring his words, I closed the door with a bang and proceeded to rush up the stairs desperate to see Mary for myself.

And this was how I found her. In our bath tub full to the brim with water, a lifeless Mary sat staring aimlessly at the other side of the wall. It looked as if she had made no attempt at all to wash any of the blood from her body. So I would just have to help.

Stripping the clothes form my worn body I tossed them aside.

"Mary darling, could you sit forward for me" I said as gently as possible.

She suddenly jumped ever so slightly as if only just realising I had entered the room. Her eyes wide and searching.

"That's it" I said encouragingly as she moved forward ever so slightly. I placed my hands on the other side of the bath and stepped into the water. What surprised me the most was the temperature of the water that swilled around my foot. Freezing it was. And Mary couldn't have been sat here more than a minute.

As I sat down, putting my legs on both sides of her and pulling the placid body in front of me to my chest. And that was how we sat for what seemed like hours. Watching the moonlight stream in from the board windows that over looked the right wing of the estate. I felt the small breaths that where coming from Mary echoed all around us. The where getting shallower and shallower, I needed to get her out of the water as soon as possible.

It was already stained with a deep pink colour and this was what clicked my mind into action. Picking up a sponge that floated on the top of the stagnant water I proceeded to wash the top half of my wife's body. Being as careful as possible not to hurt her I wiped over her arms and in the crevice between her neck and head. Next I dipped the sponge over her breast, trying not to make the act sexual. I wanted her to know that I was going to take care of her. For as long as she would let me. Her nipples didn't even harden at my touch, showing me she truly was out of it. But I hope on whatever level she felt some semblance of comfort by my presence.

Now for the bit I was dreading the most. I needed to wash the bottom half of her. I wanted to do it as quickly as possible with minimal pain. It had to be hurting a lot. My brave girl rarely made a fuss over anything. So it was a shock to see her turn mute especially with me. Even in the month's previous when she wouldn't get up or want to see anyone, I could always talk her into getting out into the world if only for a very brief excursion.

Entwining my ankles with hers I spread her legs apart. Reaching down her chest I placed the sponge between her womanhood. It was at that moment she let out a desperate yelp and I could see the crystal shaped tears come pouring down her milky cheeks.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart, I have to clean you" I said, the regret lying heavily upon me.

She turned slightly and buried her head in my neck. Whimpering slightly with the obviously discomfort she was feeling. I kissed her hair and breathed in the scent of lavender that was unique to my beauty.

"Darling I'm so sorry this is hurting you, take nice deep breath, when we get out I'll speak to Dr Clarkson about giving you something for the pain."

* * *

**Mathew's POV**

When I'd finished washing and then rinsing her hair I proceeded to get out of the water. Dressing in my shirt and trousers I forgot about replacing my jacket I had strewn about the bedroom in an effort to get her quickly. I then picked my wife up and wrapped her in a pure white towel that was placed, I suspected by Anna on the warming rack. I patted Mary dry as best I could, she didn't need pneumonia as well as the pain of a body ridding its self of our baby.

Mary was yet to utter a sound. Lest of the occasional moan that slipped out when I tried to move her. I had hoped she would have enough strength to stand long enough for me to put her into a fresh night gown. But alas it wasn't to be. She began to sway heavily on the spot and looked moments from toppling over onto the hard stone flooring.

"Wow! Mary stay awake for me my darling, we need to get you to see the doctor". "As soon as possible". I muttered under my breath.

Sweeping her up into my arms with nothing but a towel covering her modesty. I kicked open the door in front of me. And came face to face with a very mad looking Cora. Messing with her when it came to her children was never advisable. But her protective mother bear attitude although admirable should have taken a back seat when her daughter had become wed. But still she seemed less than happy at my behaviour earlier.

I burst into the room. My eyes fixed first on Anna and Cora taking the blooded sheets off the bed and stuffing them into a black bag. Presumably to dispose of them later. Well my knowledge of washing may be small, I mean to be honest, the last time and only time I had washed anything had been during the war. But I hardly think trying to wash week old mud of my socks in a French river qualified.

"Mathew, what are you doing here?" She asked confusion thick in her voice.

"When will the doctor be here?" I called back ignoring her previous question.

"He said he had to deal with an emergency at the hospital but he would be here as soon as possible. He said we should just make her as comfortable as we ca. He thinks she shouldn't be left alone for long periods of time. Why would he say that Mathew?"

In the confines of my mind I silently cursed the good doctor. After all I had shared with him in the last few months, I trusted him. He was the one that had been there for me and Mary. He'd helped me see Mary's bad moods and withdrawn behaviour for what they were…depression. I am very disappointed that he would give such a clue to Cora. I mean for goodness sake the only reason Mary had let herself be treatment was because of his promise to keep it to himself. She had weekly sessions at the surgery in the village. And in the days when she refused to get out of bed he prescribed a mild antidepressant to help her.

"Mathew…?" Cora uttered bringing me back to earth.

"Look he probably meant she would need your help her getting ready, I presume she's in the bathroom?"

They both nodded mutely and Anna even managed a small smile of comfort sent my way. Her usual calm persona shattered at the pain of seeing the family that where more than just employers to her suffering.

I went to walk across the room and into the bathroom when Cora's slightly frosty voice greeted me.

"Mathew you can't go in there, she's bathing." She said it with such resignation as if that was that, a man was only privy to seeing the outside of a woman. But unlike most men I knew the ins and outs of the women I shared my bed with night after night. This was the love of my life and there was to be no secrets between us.

Doing something that in my right mind I would never normally do I begin stripping out of my jacket and tie, throwing it unceremoniously onto the wood floor.

Ignoring the shocked faces of my mother in law and cousin, I turned the big brass door handle and walked inside.

* * *

**Mary's POV**

Was it just me or had the whole world turned into a block of ice? Thank goodness Mathew had come in when he did, I'm really not sure I could have stood and gotten out of the high sided bath on my own. My muscles feel reduced to nothing but jelly and my lower half ached worse than chronic period pains I suffered with every month. But I could always bet on my Perceus to save me.

He wrapped me lovingly in a warm towel and did his best to dry off my body and hair. I fought to stay standing but all this blood loss was making me dizzier and dizzier. Swaying like some sort of drunkard I thought for sure I would be ending up on the floor. But Mathew swept me up into his arms and carried me swiftly form the room.

With little more than a towel covering me he placed me into bed. I had no idea who else was in the room, I hoped no one but with me eyes closed I really couldn't careless. I just felt thankful that Mathew was still around and hadn't left me, I would deserve it if he did. I just prayed he'd leave me now rather than later if that's what he intended to do, I couldn't stand the dread of being left all alone.

* * *

**Mathew's POV**

Covering Mary over with the thick blanket I slid up next to her I saw both Cora and Anna give me a peculiar look, but I ignored it and claimed by place at her side. I looked at Marys face and she looked as white as a sheet. The doctor better get here soon.

"Where is the doctor, she's getting worse and I don't think the bleeding has stopped" I uttered out.

It was at that moment Carson poked his head around the door and announced the doctor.

Rushing into the room was Dr Clarkson complete with nurse and a big bag surely full to the brim with medical supplies.

"Good evening Mr Crawly"

"Good evening Dr Clarkson, I'm very grateful for you coming up here at this time of night."

He waved my thanks away with a wave of his hand. Then turning around spoke to Cora.

"Thank you for all your help Mrs Crawly, but I can take it from here, Mary need rest but first I must examine her."

Cora let a tiny smile show on her face and said she would be downstairs with Robert. Closing the door behind her and Anna, she left.

Doctor Clarkson then lent over the bed calling to Mary who in the last few minutes must have fallen asleep her eyes where closed and she lay as stationary as a statue.

"Mary can you wake up please I need to examine you" Dr Clarkson asked.

But she didn't respond.

"Mary, Mary darling you need to wake up…" but again she didn't move.

"Oh god what's wrong with her..." I checked out becoming frantic at her lack of a response. She didn't even appear to be breathing and if she was it would have been extremely shallow.

Sensing something was very wrong the doctor worked quickly; take his stethoscope from around his chest. "How long has she been like this?" he asked.

"Asleep, ummm about 3 minutes, what's wrong with her?" Oh god if she dies I don't know what I'll do she's my whole world. My angel, she truly saved me from a life all alone.

It was then that Clarkson pulled back the covers surrounding Mary. She was once again surrounded by a halo of red.

"Oh god my darling"


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys, so sorry for not updating things where crazy with my GCSE's coming to an end. But now that's all over I can promise to get into more of a routine with updates. Hope you enjoy! **

**Chapter 3- A Lost Dream**

**Mathew's POV**

"How is she doctor?" I asked nervously.

"She is stable for the time being but I fear she will need a lot of rest and recuperation if Lady Marys to make a full recovery. She's had nasty shock and I've never in all my years of practice seen someone bleed that much I'm sorry to say I don't know what her chances of conceiving are like for the future, a haemorrage that bad will have taken a considerably toll on her body." Dr Clarkson said gravely.

"Oh my god, you know what she's like! She will blame herself. Marys been getting worse and worse these few months but I thought it would have fixed its self when she got pregnant"

"Matters of the mind are very complex Mr Crawly, she very ill and will need a lot of help if she ever wants to get better."

I didn't know what to say but Dr Clarkson seemed to understand that. Never in my life before had I ever had to deal with people being ill around me. Sounds strange with my father a doctor and my mother a nurse but never did their professional and home lives cross. When they came home I expect the last thing they wanted was to talk about the many patients that they have treated that day. I only hoped that when Mary woke I would be the person she could learn on for support; she was bound to be in pain both physical and emotional. I realized in that moment that my darling wife might be gone forever.

* * *

**Mathew's POV**

It had been the longest night I had encountered in a very long time. For the past 4 hours now I had sat next to my beautiful pale wife, hair fanned across the pillow and chest rising and falling at a steady rhythm. And if it hadn't have been for her small breaths that slipped from her parted lips I would have been shouting for the doctor. After all that had occurred since we had first discovered Marys bottom half covered in blood, this was the first time my heart had slowed to an almost normal rate. I had never been so scared as to think that I might lose the very thing that had stolen my heart. Mary from the very first moment I had met her at Crawley house I think I knew she would always be special to me. If we had only worked out we were meant to be together sooner, it would have saved an age of heart break for the both of us.

As I came out of my musings Dr Clarkson entered through the door on the right hand side of the ward. It can only have been about 6 in the morning so I could see him checking on the few patients that where in beds further towards the nurses' station. Being only a small village hospital there wasn't many people scattered up and down the long rows of beds that lined the walls. All of the inhabited beds were sleeping soundly; it was only Mary's bed that had a probably crazy looking husband staring at his sleeping angel, as if she could disappear at any time. I had already been told by the nurses that I should go home and come back tomorrow, but I could bare the thought of my darling waking up all alone. She would be heartbroken as it was, and I tore me up to think of the pain she was in earlier. I had already told our family to leave, this was something that didn't require there involvement. Cora was less than happy at me telling her that I was more than capable of taking care of my sickly wife. I mean not that Cora knew what was really going on. Mary hadn't liked to talk about her depression, she brushed it of under the air of it being that time of the month but I knew it was more than that. It amounted to a great deal of pain for her and allows questioning thoughts trickle in her head. I knew they did although she denied it. Things like does he really love me without a baby? And will he leave me when I can't give him that? But the truth or I so plainly see it is that no matter what happens whether we have a child now, in twenty years on never ill love her anyway.

* * *

**Cora's POV**

It had been one of the worse nights I had been through since the death of poor Mr Pamuk. I hoped to never again be coerced to help drag a dead man the length of the house. My daughter had been in her fair share of scraps over the years but I was always there to do what I could to help. But even I knew that there was nothing I could do to stop it hurting her. Losing a baby was a heart breaking thing and I knew the only person that could get through to her now was Mathew. He was the person she responded to more and would be her light the darkness, as Robert had been for me. He would turn her around and let her see that life could go forward no matter how bleak it looked.

Walking through the grand doors to Downton I shrugged of my coat and passed it off to a hovering footman, probably James I couldn't really tell in the dim light. Robert who was lingering behind me silently took my hand pulling me towards the library. I wasn't really in the moment and I think he sensed that. Pulling my body towards my favourite chair he sat me down. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him pouring two large tumblers of scotch. Handing my one of them he went to sit on the sofa opposite me.

"She's going to be fine Cora you heard what Dr Clarkson said" Robert said in a small voice that was quite shocking and rather unusual for his character.

"Marys always been the strongest of are girls Robert, but I thought we had lost her." The words came out and it was as if a big secret had been exposed. My throat caught and tears began streaming down my face.

"When I lost our little one there was never that much blood, I mean it was painful but not to the extent Mary was in" I whispered.

At this point Robert came to sit with me cradling me in his arms lightly kissing my forehead.

"Dr Clarkson said she was doing a lot better when we left, he mentioned something about a transfusion but you know I don't care for medical detail."

"Your right I just worry she's my baby no matter how old she gets" I let a watery smile grace my lips. As always he was the calming voice of reason in the house…well most of the time.

"I know but now we should get some rest before days break, I made Mathew promise to call if anything happens" He reassured.

"I suppose your right but there's something going on with Mary that Mathews not telling us and I will get to the bottom of it"

* * *

**Mathew's POV**

I could feel my eyes drooping as the clock struck 4:30, or so I could just about read at the end of the corridor. I had been awake since 6:30 yesterday morning and my resources of energy had fast run out. I hadn't even had the chance to phone my mother and explain what had happened. But I would as soon as a more polite hour dawned; I really would prefer her looking after Mary than a nurse she had never met before. My mother was an excellent nurse and I was sure she will know what the best course of treatment would be.

Turing from my uncomfortable sleeping spot in the high backed arm chair I occupied, I saw my wife's form once again sleeping. Curled up surrounded by mountains of blankets that I had insisted the nurse bring us. When she was first brought to the hospital she was in and out of consciousness. She was in a very distressed state and kept mumbling about how cold she was. Clutching her stomach and asking me to make it stop hurting, I only wish I could of.

Feeling the need to make sure she was really was getting better, I wanted to go and find a nurse to check up on her. I was worried that she was going to wake up while I went to the bathroom and tried to look semi presentable. I was desperate to use the bathroom so reluctantly pulled the blankets over her sleeping form and made my way towards the door that lead to the nurses' station and Dr Clarkson's office. Seeing a nurse that had been here when Mary was admitted I walked over to talk with her.

"Good morning Mr Crawley?" The nurse said.

"Oh please call me Mathew" I conversed.

"In that case you must call me April is there anything I can get you?" She said in a cheery tone.

"Please could you check on my wife… oh and direct me towards the men's room"

"Of course I'll just go and check on her drips, has she not woken up yet?" She uttered with a slight puzzled tone.

"No should she have?" I was now even more worried to begin with.

"No she should be fine to sleep a little longer it's just her body's way of helping to replenish and blood supply she lost with the baby. Sleep it the best thing for her at the moment."

"Yes of course well make sure to come and find me if she wakes up I won't be long"

"Take all the time you need Mathew, I think it will be a  
while before she comes round. Oh and by the way the men's room is just down the corridor on the left, oh and pardon me for saying but you might want to flatten your hair it seems to have a mind of its own this morning" She said with a small smile.

What did I say to that? I knew she was only trying to make me laugh, so that what did I say? I wasn't sure so I did what came most naturally, I laughed. It wasn't much but for a few seconds a little bit of the heartache that had become the last day or so was released and it helped. With that I walked away.

* * *

**Mary's POV**

My eyes still closed I started to feel myself slowly waking up. The haze that lingered at the front of my brain started to clear but a persistent headache remained. I tried testing my limbs trying to stretch my arms. It was at that moment a sharp pain radiated up my arm. Wincing and looking down to see an IV line imbedded in my skin. The tube was full of red that I'm guessing was blood. Well I vaguely remember the amount that covered not only me but all of mine and Mathews bedding that was given as a gift for our wedding day. I loved that set; it was monogramed with our names and the date of our wedding. I imagine it would have already have been disposed of. The very last reminder of my baby that had brought such light into my life.

My thoughts where taking another one of their dark turns and I'd rather try to stay out of my pit of gloom just a little while longer. At least until after id seen Mathew. I felt so sorry for him he must have been absolutely frantic with worry last night. All that blood and me acting terribly. I just remember crying out for him to help me as I was carried down the large Downton stair case on a stretcher. He probably wouldn't want to speak to me now he was probably so embarrassed.

A tiny voice in the back of my head told me it wouldn't matter I had lost baby. He would love me anyway but a bigger part of me new better. If he really cared for me then where was he now? It was at that moment his beautiful soft voice came from the end of the rows of beds. I almost smiled I was so happy that he hadn't left me at the hospital all by myself. Even if I did deserve it.

It sounded as if he was talking to someone. I wanted to try and get out of bed to reach my husband but the line in my arm was a big hindrance to my movement. So from the safety of my bed I listened to try and make out what they were talking about. But they were being to quite to make it out, all I could tell was that a women's voice mixed in with my husbands. Why was he talking to another woman when he could be in here looking after me? But then maybe he was sick of my attitude to my new married life. I hadn't exactly been the picture of the perfect wife. I hadn't provided the one thing that was my responsibility and mine alone. A child was just about the only thing I could bestow upon Mathew to repay his kindness in being a most amazing husband.

Wondering when he would return, it was then that his throaty laugh drifted in. It was then I felt my jealous side start to bubble. I had never been an abnormally jealous person but now my mind starting conjuring all kinds of horrible scenarios. Did he want this woman? Was she more beautiful than me did he prefer her company to mine? Maybe he did, after all I was useless to him now.

* * *

**Mary's POV**

A small while later I felt a disturbance near the door to the ward. My body was turned with my back facing away from the noise. I quickly closed my eyes and reflexed all my features to appear as if in a deep slumber. I wanted to get a good look at who ever was coming, I was fairly certain it wasn't Mathew I would know that just form the sound of his footsteps.

Listening intently I let out small peaceful looking breaths fainting sleep still. I needed to know who what made a sound that had been non-existent prior to finding out I was pregnant spill from my husband mouth. I always felt as though he was the positive part of our marriage, I had always been known for my more sullen side. Perhaps if I had been a little happier and not so distant Mathew and I would have been wedded the first time he asked me. I wanted this thing inside me to go away. The part that made me what to tear the person who had made my darling husband happy, when I could not. I was not the least bit upset that I had lost the only thing to have brought me any real comfort in as many months.

Hearing a disturbance on my left side where the stand with the glass vile filled with blood hung, I kept still. My arm was still jutting at a strange angle after my earlier inspection of my line. I felt a warm hand touch the crook of my arm and slowly flatten down the bandage that held it there. The hand left as quickly as it had come. The sound started turning to face what I presumed was the window. I heard a chink of glass and new the nurse must be checking my glass vile full of blood. I wanted so badly to see her face. Was she prettier than me? Did Mathew find her desirable? Turing my head ever so slightly, I opened my eyes just a fraction. Looking around in front of me was a women dress in the typical nurse's uniform. All I could make out was her side profile, but that was enough. She was beautiful, well at least in my eyes she was. Hair pulled back in a bun and with a ribbon tied to the band. I could easily see why Mathew would be attracted to her she was effortlessly beautiful. I could never live up to standards like that, I just felt like my whole life was a let-down. I had wrecked the best think that happened to me, getting married had pulled me from a life of boredom. The endless sitting around and planning for dinners and party's stretched the blank passages of my life to the extreme.

All my musings lead me to one think I wasn't good enough for life. I had let everybody down. I deserved to be unhappy. Chocking on heart wrenching sobs I pulled the blanket over my head trying to stem the noise.

There was nothing for me to do; I just couldn't take it anymore.

* * *

**Mathew's POV**

"DAM THAT'S COLD!"

I couldn't help but blurt it out as I frantically splashed water over my face. I needed something to jolt me from the land of nod and get me ready to face Mary when she does indeed awaken. Not wanting to spend any more time here and away from her I hurried to dry my face of. Patting the moister of my cold skin, I hurried out the door of the hospital bathroom and into the corridor that lead to the ward. I was just thought the door at the end of the row of beds when I spotted the nurse I had spoken to earlier checking Marys blood pump. Continuing towards her she seemed to notice my presents. Walking over to me she seemed to want to talk.

"Mr Crawly, Mrs Crawly seems to be improving she should be awake very shortly." She kept a small reassuring smile on her face.

"Thank you so much" I was so grateful that my darling Mary would be okay, I just couldn't stand to see her as sick as she was before. Losing our baby was only half the heart break I knew this would be eating her inside out. And I knew there was a high chance the depression would be back with vengeance.

"It's no problem Mr Crawly; just make us aware of when she awakens so Dr Clarkson can do an examination".

"Of course, I'd like to get a chance to speak to him later on if that's possible."

"I'll let him know, he's had to go to another hospital not far from here but he should be back soon."

With that she passed me and walked but towards the nurses' station. Wanting to sit with Mary for a while before she wakes up I perched back on the chair that occupied the side of the bed. Looking over she was snuggling close to the pillow. Burrowing her nose into the white material she let out an almost contented sigh. I hoped she was dreaming of something nice. The both of us in one of the many meadows that sounded Downton playing with our beautiful babies in the long high grass. It was times like those that I longed for. A wife who was free to be happy and content.

* * *

**Mary's POV**

I had never cried so hard since I was a little girl. Running to papa from the car I proceeded to trip on the uneven gravel drive. With my knees covered in blood and with tears dripping down my cheeks I picked myself up. Story of my life, that even as a small child, I never let myself get down for long.

It was then that I sensed Mathew sat beside me. I needed him I needed him to forgive me. Forgive me for letting something happen to our child. My eyes flickered open and Mathew worried blue orbs met mine.

"Darling" he breathed out put his hand up to my cheek and stroking gently.

"Mathew…" I wasn't sure how to ask, what was he talking to the nurse about earlier? And would he try to lie to me about it now. I tried to speak to him but the words kept getting stuck like glue in the back of my throat.

"Have some small sips of water sweetheart, is your throat painful?" He spoke with a worrying under tone in his voice, what did he have to hide?"

"Yyyes" I half gasped out.

Mathew reached for the hospital issue jug that sat on the white table. Holding the back of my head he lifted the cup to my lips. The cold water hit the back of my throat and I chocked and spluttered water all over Mathew.

"All right Mary, deep breaths I'll get Dr Clarkson to check you over." He tried to get up but I soon put a stop to that. I didn't want him to leave me and go back to her. Pulling at his jacket he sat back down. I needed him here I felt so ill my head felt as if it wanted to explode. The pounding that had started out as nothing more than a dull ach was now clouding all my thoughts.

"Stay please, I don't want you to leave me" I blurted out.

"I'll stay darling just relax and sleep" He planted kisses all over the crown of my head.

"No I can't I need you to forgive me…" I winced.

He looked into my eyes and must have felt my desperation. I needed him to tell me it would all be okay. That he still wanted me still desired me but most of all that he loved me and wanted to have another baby.

"What are you talking about…? I just want to see you well again Mary. I know this is hurting you but…"

He stopped there but I finished the sentence where he had not. I knew what he wanted to tell me. That we could try again when the time was right. But he didn't say it; I guess he didn't find me as desirable as he did before. I was weak and unable to provide a family.

"I saw you earlier…with her… I'm so sorry I wasn't good enough for you Mathew. I wish so terribly much I could have been enough. "I went to look away from him but I couldn't stand to see the shame in his eyes. My head was at the point of splitting and I wasn't sure if I should tell Mathew. But any physical pain I was feeling was nothing to the emotions that came swirling about my head. In the past few months more and more my mind was a rocky place to be.

" Your just hurting darling I'll go and get Dr Clarkson I know you're in pain even if you're not going to tell me" A with a final pained glance he left. Away from me and all my issues.

* * *

**Mary's POV **

I couldn't do this anymore. I felt as if my whole body was suffocating and I was the soul desperate left gasping for air. It was as if some invisible force had me tapped and there was nothing that could get them to relinquish. And despite the unconventional situation I was in, dressed in my hospital issue night gown and with hair that would give Anna a heart attack. But I had to leave Mathew; he could never love me now. I had given up the very thing that he had always wanted. A baby was the missing links between us the thing we had both been dreaming about since our wedding day. And while I did everything I could to provide him with the very thing he wanted most, he would be better off without me.

Looking down the almost deserted corridor there was no one to be seen. Still I felt a little faint and ill my head was filled with this kind of rushing noise. So somewhat weakly I pushed back that stack of about five thick blankets that must have been placed on me when I arrived. Using my hands I tried to sit up with as little pain as possible. My head felt then same as when I had a bit too much wine, my first Christmas married. I remember finding it hilarious that Mathew had to carry me up the stairs and manoeuvre me into bed. I wanted him to make to love to me, despite this he good naturedly pushed away my feeble attempts.

I think that was the last time I was truly happy. Carefree, as if could fly, never before had I felt like that. There was always something in my life that served to hurt me. If it wasn't Edith saying the most spiteful things behind by back it was my never ending fight to find a man that would give me a position and a house that I could run. And if it wasn't beyond the realms of possibility I think I was looking for ever a small mention of love in there somewhere.

But there was no point in dwelling upon something that wasn't going to happen now. I need to let Mathew move on and find somebody new. Someone that could provide with a family.

My feet hit the floor and I pushed my feet around looking for some kind of shoes I could wear. Finding some under my bed I quickly slide my feet into them and starting walking as fast as I possibly could towards the double doors that I knew lead to the outside. Touching the wrought iron door knob I pushed it and walked out to the semi light village.

* * *

** Hope you liked, please review and let me no :) I love to hear constructive ideas on my writing or even what you would like to see happen next.**


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